Minnesota Nice and other cultural nuances baffle me, as we all know by now, and though I've never been the popular kid, I have always been invited to more social occasions than I've initiated by virtue of being an introvert and truly enjoying the dynamic of being pursued (who doesn't?). Here, I've been initiating connections more than ever before. I've been pushing my comfort zone. Yet not getting many results. I just don't know what to make of it.
Yesterday I chatted with a seasoned social worker about my success making friends elsewhere in the world compared to making friends in Minnesota. Her accent indicated to me that she's from here or been here a long time. She said, "you know, you're not the first person to say that to me." She seemed a bit perplexed and a bit intrigued, like she had no idea what the experience would be like, but replied with a tone of hmm, isn't that interesting? It must be, what... cultural?
Today, a guest lecturer in my bioethics class was talking about the culture of risk. She's from Philadelphia, lived in San Francisco before she moved here, and said she'd never heard more people talking about risk and perceived threats to personal safety than in the Midwest. She's studied this phenomenon. Someone in the class said, "it's because people from Philadelphia and San Francisco move here!" Implying, of course, that newcomers make everything scary. She said she was just joking, but it seemed more like she was saving her ass.
What she was getting at, regardless of how she really feels, regardless of how much of her joke really isn't a joke, is that there really is something cultural here about sticking just to what you know and who you know. Insular = safe = good = Minnesotan. The guest speaker gracefully turned her comment into a talking point without putting her on the spot - an acquired Minnesota nice tactic, if you ask me - and got all academic about how the coasts have a history of trade and immigration, ports and interdependent industry, etc., which creates an environment where non-native doesn't automatically mean scary. Which hasn't happened in the Midwest.
It's kind of rare to find a native San Franciscan. Most everyone living there today has moved there. Seems like half of California speaks Spanish as their first language. Times like this, I miss it. I may, actually, resolve to making friends in Minnesota with people who are not from here. That's strategy one to not set myself up for failure.
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5 comments:
I am ashamed of every Minnesotan who perpetuates the thought that it isn't safe here because "people from Philadelphia and San Francisco move here."
The college I work in has a new dean who moved here from New York. As soon as she started elongating her ooooos and emphasizing her aboooouuuuts people seemed to accept her more. Are Minnesotans so scared of "outsiders" that they shy away from befriending them?
I agree that it seems pretty insular here in Minnesota. I moved here for law school in 2005. Since then I've made friends, some really good friends even. Despite all that though, I still don't have any sense of community here. Even with my friends, it seems like hanging out is something that has to be planned and arranged rather then something that just sort of organically happens.
I moved to Minnesota in 2004 and it was my landing spot from living abroad. I thought I had learned some un-American habits of spontaneous hanging out while I was away. John - it is comforting to hear you say you see it too.
Why do we have to plan six weeks in advance to have a beer?
I'll tell ya, this isn't really unique to Minnesota. It's really the whole upper Midwest. That said, I've never really had trouble meeting new people here and I don't think it's because I'm from South Dakota and can navigate Midwestern social cues. I'm more willing to talk to strangers more than someone who's more shy. I think the more you talk to strangers at bars, coffee shops, etc, you'll see we're eager to learn about the places you've lived or tell you about our stories as well.
Furthermore, people here tend to hang on to friends for a long time, so maybe people are just wondering if you'll hang around long enough to develop a good friendship with. Good luck and we really are nice!
Maybe people are just wondering if I'll hang around long enough to develop a good friendship with?
Sounds like what the visiting speaker was talking about when she said that people on the coasts are used to transition and immigration and people in the Midwest are not.
I think it's pretty close minded to rule someone out because they moved here recently. Wait and see if they prove themselves worthy is not the kind of friend I want to win over.
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