err, um, well... fate?

I don't have a word for it.

Something's definitely been happening in the realm of the supernatural, for over a year now. I could call it fate and have it over with. I'm not too fond of resignation, though. So I'm stuck with the wondering and surprise.

That something that's been happening for over a year has something to do with a magnetic force that's pulling me and my previously wild, un-rooted roots into Minnesota and sucking them under like quicksand. (Previous blog post here alluding to this phenomenon.)

Let me try to help you relate with a benign theoretical construct. Say you're hungry. You go out and look for a place to eat, and not only does it take you a long time to get there because you get lost, you also encounter traffic, have a near-accident, get so hungry you can't think straight, and arrive to learn that your place is closed or the wait time is over a half hour. You know that feeling? Of course you do. You want to give up altogether.

Whatever is opposite to that is happening to me.

Outline:

2006: I endure one of the most agonizing years of my life in CA trying to figure out how to remedy many existential and professional crises. I cry - a lot. (But I'm warm. And go to the beach. And eat lots of fruit.)

Nov 06: I talk to my Chem prof who convinces me that life is not long enough to induce such self-suffering. Essentially she said, "Go. Do what you love, be happy, forget medical school." L. flies into CA, we have second breakfast, where I accidentally cry and proclaim my enduring, undeniable love. L. accepts the proposal. L. returns to MN.

Dec 06: I apply to three graduate schools in MN.

Feb 07: I'm accepted to all three schools.

Mar 07: I apply for one summer job. I get it.

May 07: I move from CA to MN - rather effortlessly, actually. I begin to integrate myself into L.'s family, and it's the most un-challenging and rewarding family experience of my life. (My own family sucks, bad.)

Sept 07: I start school. It's great. Really great. I've found my tribe. I feel smart again. I feel purpose, meaning, direction, hope and excitement every week.

Dec 07: I continue to hone my dreams and remember: For years, I have really, really, really, really wanted to focus on transgender health. I still want that. I brainstorm how in relation to social work. I commit to pursuing my next field placement in this area. I have a friend who then said, "oh, I know someone who's interested in accepting an intern for that work." She's not a mind-reader, either.

Jan 08: I begin a required research methods class. I LOVE it, which is weird. I think, "I want to be a assistant to someone doing trans health research."

Feb, 19, 08: I accidentally stumble across a job posting at the U for an Assistant to the Transgender Health Study. I apply, fervently.

Feb 20, 08. I await a phone call for an interview. And think: What the hell is going on? Minnesota WANTS me.

Minnesota: I surrender to you. I give in. I'm yours.

It's Sunday and sunny and so we went to San Diego

Since Thursday, I've been incredibly emotionally fragile. As a future mental health practitioner, I see self-awareness of my swings as productive and also terrifying.

L. succinctly summarized what could be going on.

1. I'm taking a medication for six months because I was exposed to TB. One side effect is depression.
2. It's my first February in Minnesota. One side effect is depression.
3. I'm learning how to be a grief/crisis counselor. One side effect - unless you know what the hell you're doing and have vast experience - is depression.

One of the bedrooms gets flooded with sun between 9:30 am and 2:30 pm. If it's sunny out, which it hasn't been in days - until this morning! After breakfast we crawled into the bed in that bedroom, lowered the blinds as much as possible without peep-showing the neighborhood, and raised a yellow blanket up in front of our faces to reflect the sun on us.

It's about -10 degrees outside; wind chill is between -25 and -40. (I still haven't left the house today and don't have a clue as to what that feels like, yet.)

But before we lifted the blanket up, L. said, "you wanna go to San Diego?" I said, "YES!" And then she lifted the blanket up, smiled, closed her eyes and said, "I'm on the beach! In San Diego!"

It was the best part of my morning, hands down.

Making friends

Making friends is no small feat for me. I'm introverted around everyone except exceptionally good friends I've known for years, and I'm super anxious in crowds of more than four people. So I don't collect new friends very easily. Sometimes the anxiety doesn't even show because I'm that good, but I'm kind-of a mess on the inside in social situations.

Therefore, it's been equally comforting and nerve racking to instantly acquire new people through L. upon moving here. L. is as social as I am socially phobic, has lived here for a decade, and actually likes most of her family. So I got to know a lot of people really quickly upon moving here.

I've heard more than a few times that Minnesotans are hard to get to know. I'm not exactly sure why, really. I'm in a graduate program with a lot of friendly, social, kind, and open people, and I work in a place with 300 employees. So I get to meet a lot of people, many of whom are Minnesota lifelong residents.

But the only person I've met here that I can actually begin to call my friend - not L.'s friend who befriended me (which has happened a lot, many of whom are you all reading this blog, and I'm super grateful for the connections, by the way) is actually not from here.

She's from Reno. I lived in Reno. And that's the main reason we started talking in the first place.

How strange that the single potential friend found on my own in my new home is not even from here.

So answer me this: What's behind the myth that Minnesotans are hard to get to know?

Smells like a social worker, sounds like a social worker

On a more positive and less sarcastic note, I would like to mention that life here is on the up and up for me in a professional way. Social work school really did turn out to be a perfect fit. My internship this year has really turned out to be an ever-constant stimulant for nitty gritty learning and super-capable supervision. However weird much of this state does seem to me, it seems to be telling me in many other obvious ways that I fit.

It's like there was a Sanguinetti A! shaped hole in the universe and I was magnetically pulled toward it and *shlooooop!* in I fell.

I fit here. First, professionally I fit. Equally importantly, my needs for family and love and community are met like never before, too. Things are really quite great.

I'm writing this tonight because today I had my first real deal 90-minute therapy session all by myself with a client. It went quite well. I've done countless client interventions all semester, and I have learned a ton. This, however, feels like a big deal and a big step.

I'm on my way.